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– by Martha Lasley

One of the things we do in an authentic communication group is to interact in the relational space in the present moment. We call this level 4. Let’s look at all four levels of interaction.

Level 1 is chit chat and requires very little listening. We talk about the weather, what we saw on the news, where we went on vacation. This is the opposite of “here and now” and known as “there and then”. There is nothing wrong with level one or any other level. They are not good or bad. Many times, chit chat warms us up so that we can go deeper into the next level  And occasionally we go too deep too fast, and a part finds that unsafe, “takes a flight” back to level one with a joke or some other banter.… Read more

Issues of power and privilege are often invisible to people who have higher rank, but are more visible to people with lower rank. As facilitators we can move groups towards understanding and effectiveness when we can see the dynamics of rank.

What is Rank

Rank is the sum of our power and privilege that arises from social, psychological, contextual, spiritual or cultural norms. Whether conscious or unconscious, earned or inherited, rank determines much of our communication behavior.

Types of Rank

Social Rank

Social rank is based on the values, biases and prejudice of the mainstream, dominant culture and comes with privileges and more opportunities in life.… Read more

If you’ve ever said or heard something offensive and didn’t know what to do, you are not alone. It’s one thing to recognize insults. It’s another to respond in ways that repair the harm. Whether you have done harm, or witnessed harm, what you do next is crucial. People may mean well when they say, “I don’t see color.” Or  “He’s not a typical gay guy.” Or “What she is trying to say is…”  Many times, they aren’t even aware of how much pain these messages can stimulate. 

As comrades, allies, and accomplices, it can be shocking to learn that our positive intentions are experienced as painfully racist, homophobic,  sexist, or ableist.… Read more

“Bringing IFS into coaching is one of the most exciting and needed applications taking place right now.” – Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems

The problem with many coaching models is that coaches are taught to sideline, or even eliminate parts of the psyche, especially if those parts are blocking or resisting progress toward your goals. 

Since parts cannot be eliminated, this type of shaming leaves clients conflicted as they struggle to transform unwanted behaviors. Instead of going to war with your saboteur or marginalizing resistant parts, IFS coaching respects each part and supports whole system alignment so that desired change initiatives and radical authenticity emerge.… Read more

Couples coaching is no picnic. After infidelity, the most common reasons that couples seek coaching are conflicts about money, communication, and sex. Major life events such as getting married, having a child, moving to a new home, or starting a new job, are also major reasons that couples seek coaching. 

How many couples come to coaching to tune up their marriage, revisit their vision, or celebrate their partnership? It’s rare. You start working with a coach because you’re in trouble. If you could fix your relationship yourselves, you would have done so already. Nonviolent communication for couples helps you deepen intimacy, build trust and cultivate radical compassion.… Read more

Making Friends with Your Inner Judge

1. What makes you difficult? What do you DO that stimulates you to think of yourself as difficult?
2. What does your inner JUDGE say about your actions? 
3. What are your feelings connected to each judgment?
4. What are your unmet needs connected to each judgment?

1. Action: I chose to co-facilitate with someone who did not have the competencies I expected. 

2. Inner Judge:	3. Feelings	4. Needs
I’m so stupid, could ruin my reputation	disappointed	recognition
I’ve never been wrong about people before	shocked	trust my intuition
I was duped by his on-line articulation	bewildered	careful choice

Making Friends with Your Inner Chooser

1. Think again about what you DO that stimulates you to think of yourself as difficult.

… Read more

1. Trigger – 

The first step is capturing some stimulating moments, the words or events, the “trigger” with no censoring – anything goes. Not telling anyone else, just acknowledging something came up with some charge for me. Remembering, when I focus on wrongness or blame, my attention can easily move to seeking someone to punish. It might be I want to punish the other person for treating me poorly, or I may kick myself for being stupid or not learning better. I mention the “trigger” below and move to step 2.

2. Observation –

The second step is to translate this stimulus/trigger into a simple, neutral description (no judgments or labels) – what took place; an observation.… Read more

What is empathy?  

1. A way to connect with 
   1. how it is for the person
   2. what they are trying to convey
   3. a deeper essence of what is going on in them

Why?

1. To connect with others
2. To understand others
3. To increase my capacity to be compassionate (pleasurable and empowering) 
4. To contribute to another’s well-being
   1. their need for connection with another person
   2. their need for understanding
   3. their need for clarity
   4. their need for compassion/self-compassion

How? 

1. By focusing our attention on feelings and needs

When to speak it aloud?

1. To deepen the quality of our connection: 
   1. when I want to check if my understanding matches their experience
   2. when I sense the person wants confirmation they’re understood
2. When I sense it would support the person’s clarity or deeper self-connection (use this with discretion and caution)

For more articles like this, go to the www.authenticcommunicationgroup.com… Read more

When a person is telling us of a struggle they are having, there are many ways we can respond.  There is a specific type of response described in Nonviolent Communication, called the empathic guess, or empathic inquiry, or sometimes just referred to as empathy.  There are many other ways of responding.  We are not saying that any response is good or bad in itself.  We just want to clarify at this point what empathy is not.

Non-Empathic Responses 

1. Judging:   criticizing the person or their point of view.
   1. I can’t believe you…
   2. You’re so…
2. Consoling: 
   1. Oh you poor thing…
3. Interpreting: telling the person what their motives are
   1. I think you’re doing this because
4. Spiritual Bypass: 
   1. If you trust in God/Universe/Higher Power it’ll work out. 

… Read more

1. Self Empathy

Think of a time when things didn’t go as well as you would like.

• What happened? 
• How did you feel?
• What needs of yours were unfulfilled?

2. Empathy Guesses for Another

What were you telling yourself about this person?

• What could the person feel?
• What could the person be needing?

3. Honest Self Expression

If you weren’t being careful, what would you say to this person? Translate:

• Observation
• Feeling
• Need
• Request

For more articles like this, go to the www.authenticcommunicationgroup.com … Read more