Author Archives: Pavan Magic

For many years, I believed I had discovered the ideal friendship.
We never argued. We completed each other’s sentences. We attended each other’s parties, offered guidance, laughed late in the evening.

𝗜𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘆 — 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗱𝘂𝗮𝗹𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗮𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁.

However, life, as it has a knack of doing, demanded more from me than I was capable of providing. I made a decision that dismayed them. It wasn’t betrayal, it was my unprocessed wounds playing me up. It was a choice rooted in a ‘good’ intention that didn’t have the desired impact.

And for the first time, illusion broke: 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲.… Read more

A call with my client left me pondering about the tension that exists between genders around themes of sex and intimacy.

I got thinking about sexual manipulation— 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝘄 𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝘀𝘆𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗼𝗺 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘂𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗿𝗲.

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻’𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗿𝗲—𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲, sexuality becomes performance.
She learns to flirt instead of ask.
To hint instead of name and give mixed messages
To seduce to feel powerful, and withhold to feel safe.
Her pleasure becomes secondary—what matters is being wanted.
So she learns to manage attention, not feel connection.… Read more

Aryan, a young male participant, had recently joined my process group. In the very first session, he challenged the group’s emotional depth — naming his disappointment with how things were going.

What followed was subtle, but significant: Over time, the group began orbiting around him. People started checking in with his reactions before speaking. His approval became quietly necessary.

Meanwhile, Rajiv — an elderly member, soft-spoken and deeply empathic — often struggled to find space in the group. One day, he shared:
“I feel invisible. Like my attempts to connect aren’t landing.”

While women responded with care, Aryan snapped:
“When will you man up, Rajiv?… Read more

During a process group I was facilitating, a participant — let’s call her Lata — had been increasingly frustrated with another member, Dev.

One day when the group was enquiring about Dev’s silence she finally said: “Dev, I am quite frustrated with you and your silence. When you just said that you keep quiet because you don’t see any meaning in engaging – I experienced your tone as pejorative and dismissive of what others are feeling”.

Dev went still. Then, in a soft, barely audible voice, he said: “I am noticing that my heart is beating really fast right now.”

After a few moments of silence, I enquired: “Dev, would you be willing to share what happens to you when Lata speaks.”… Read more

Vikram joined an advanced process group as a seasoned psychotherapist. Articulate, emotionally attuned, and deeply reflective — he quickly emerged as a kind of anchor in the group.

Within a few sessions, an unspoken role had formed around him:
He was the wise one.
The one who listened deeply. Who translated chaos into meaning. Who never lost his cool.

Other group members deferred to him in conflict.
Even facilitators looked to him to “model vulnerability.”

And Vikram lived up to it.

Except… one day, he didn’t.

A peer challenged something he shared, accusing him of being detached and cryptic.
Vikram froze.… Read more

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Ever noticed how children often do the exact opposite of what we taught them?
Not out of defiance.
But to reveal what still aches inside us.

We spend years building values over wounds — then one day, our child comes along and quietly exposes the crack beneath the surface.

Here’s how:
⁣
🔹 You teach assertiveness because you were silenced.⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Your child becomes passive, overly accommodating — not because they lack strength, but because they feel like there’s no room for their own truth beside yours.
🔹 You preach body safety because you carry trauma⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Your child experiments sexually — not out of disrespect, but because they’re growing into something you were never given language for.… Read more

For years, I was obsessed with becoming better.

More regulated. More articulate. More emotionally intelligent.
Less reactive. Less intense. Less inconvenient.

I called it growth.
But really?

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗹𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗼𝗳.

I jumped from one training to another — Always learning how to listen better, speak softer, take responsibility faster.

And it worked.
I got respect. I got praise.
Because I knew how to translate my anger into insight. I knew how to regulate the room with empathy.
People saw me as evolved, trustworthy, safe.

But what they didn’t see — and what I couldn’t admit — was this:

I was abandoning myself.… Read more

Whether it’s family, teams, classrooms, or communities — 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬.
They bring connection, conflict, hierarchy, disruption, healing — sometimes all at once. And yet, navigating them rarely comes with a map.

That’s exactly why we wrote:
📘 𝐅𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐬 – a book for people who want to make group life more conscious, inclusive, and real.

It brings together years of learning in how to facilitate groups with more depth, clarity, and care —— using tools from Process Work, Nonviolent Communication, DEI (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion), and IFS (Internal Family Systems).

It’s for anyone who’s ever sat in a circle and thought:
“𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝.”… Read more

That’s what the headteacher said about her deputy. “She’s overwhelmed all the time — I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her.”

I was coaching that deputy.

She arrived at our session in tears. Her mother was in the hospital. She was juggling work, caregiving, and still recovering from her own surgery. She said, “I feel like I’m holding everything together — and no one even notices.”

I listened. But this wasn’t new.

Session after session, she came in carrying fresh distress — and a story that she was invisible, unappreciated, excluded.

I paused and said, gently but clearly:
“You’re doing a lot.… Read more

Sunil had done everything right.
Never needed reminders.
Handled crisis with calm.
Showed up before he was asked.
The kind of leader people respected — and yet, kept a polite distance from.

In our coaching session, he said:

“𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱. 𝗜’𝘃𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆. 𝗜’𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁. 𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗕𝗘 𝗚𝗢𝗢𝗗. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗜’𝗺 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺?”

Sunil was raised in a traditional Hindu joint family.
Where doing the right thing mattered more than doing the real thing.
Where sacrifice was celebrated.
And personal desires were quietly tucked away for the “collective well-being”

Success followed him.… Read more