The other day, I had a conversation with my son that stopped me in my tracks. He was talking about his Global Studies research project, and the researcher in me couldnโt help but notice flaws in his design. Naturally, I started offering suggestions.
Thatโs when I saw the smirk on his face and asked, “Whatโs going on?”
He responded, “Maa, I know you are a PhD student and probably know a lot more about research than I do, but I donโt want your help. Even if my research design is rubbish, itโs okay. Whatโs the worst that can happen? My teacher will reject my work and ask me to resubmit, right? But if I take your help, my success will be yours. If I fail and learn from my mistakes, I will feel good about myself.”
That landed hard. He continued: “What has happened to you? You were never like this. You always encouraged me to find my own way. But as I grow up, I feel like youโre interfering more. Why?”
I took a deep breath and confessed: “Youโre right. I have been stepping in more than I used to. And I think itโs because I see you struggling with self-doubt. I hear it in your voice, in the way you question yourself. And as your mother, it worries me. I donโt want you to be so hard on yourself.”
His responseโsimple, honest – wasnโt what I expected but exactly what I needed to hear:
“I get it, Maa, but I think youโre getting too attached. Iโm already a Mummaโs boy, and in a few years, Iโll be leaving home for my higher studies. I need you to back off a little so I can learn to trust myself and still love you.”
Thatโs when I realized: I had been afraid of separation. But in trying to hold on, I was missing something essentialโthat real connection isnโt about merging into one or keeping the other close, but about being separate with others rather than separate from them.
This distinction is everything in relationshipsโwhether with our children, partners, friends, or colleagues.
๐น ๐๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ปโwhere we retreat into ourselves, cut ties, or emotionally withdraw. It is loneliness in the presence of others.
๐น ๐๐ฒ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ถ๐๐ต ๐ผ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒโwhere we recognize that intimacy doesnโt require enmeshment, that we can hold space for each otherโs individuality, struggles, and growth without losing connection. It is love that respects boundaries.
So often, we fall into the trap of thinking that closeness means giving advice, solving problems, or shielding people from discomfort. But what if true connection is about witnessing, not controlling? Seeing, not fixing? Trusting, not tethering?
That night, my son reminded me of something profound: Relationships thrive not when we hold on tightly, but when we learn to stand beside each otherโseparate, yet deeply connected.
-Written By Anisha Pandya