Author Archives: Pavan Magic

Sometimes, in our groups, someone confesses— “I can name my feelings and needs, but when I’m in conflict, everything disappears. All my learning seems far away in those moments – It’s like I am not accessible to my own self”

We all nod. Because we know that moment.
The one where all 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴.

That’s where Nonviolent Communication truly begins— not in perfect words, but in how we return to ourselves when fear, shame, or difference enter the room.

𝗘𝗺𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗡𝗩𝗖: 𝗔 𝗝𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝗟𝗶𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 is a 9-month immersive course for those who want to live NVC, not just speak it.… Read more

One of my ACG group session began with Maya saying she felt confused about how to engage with men in the group.

She said, “𝗜 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸. 𝗠𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹… 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗼𝗯𝘀𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗹𝗲𝘀𝗯𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗹𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱.”

As she spoke, her voice softened → tears surfaced → something raw appeared… and then suddenly she swung into long explanations, tangents, and over-analysis.
Vulnerability → explanation → control. A familiar arc.
I named it gently:
“Notice how you touch something tender, and then your system rushes away by over-explanation and going on tangents.… Read more

I attended my first NVC workshop in 2001.
I walked out thinking, “Finally!! I have found the panacea that will fix all my relational problems.”
I left that training determined to show up differently — softer, clearer, more grounded.
And for a whole week, I really thought I had changed.
I remember strutting around lightly, speaking gently, proud of my new “giraffe language.”

Until…the real stressor showed up.
I tried to repeat my freshly learnt phrases, but the impact was disastrous.
My voice tightened. My body froze. My words sounded scripted, not alive.
That’s when I realised something painful:
𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆.… Read more

Last month, a participant stayed behind after a session.

She said, quietly, “I’m using NVC… but I feel like I’m disappearing.”

At work, she listened longer. Softened her tone. Gave people more benefit of the doubt.
And yet—meetings still ran over her time. Colleagues leaned on her flexibility.
Her no never quite landed.

“What am I doing wrong?” she asked.

Nothing.

She wasn’t being compassionate—she was being compliant.

Somewhere along the way, empathy had slipped into self-erasure.
Care for others had lost contact with care for herself.

This is a fear many learners carry:
If I say no, am I still being compassionate?… Read more

In a recent group, I noticed how the presence of one strong voice gradually shaped the whole room. He spoke often, offered blunt observations, and made critical comments in the name of honesty. Nothing about it was inherently wrong or malicious. Yet over time, the group’s attention, energy, and emotional labour began to organise around him.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝘂𝗿, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽’𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝘁.

People found themselves responding in different ways:

* some felt irritated or hurt
* some felt cautious or intimidated
* some admired his confidence
* some explained him, defended him, or softened the impact of his words

Without anyone intending it, the group began to revolve around this one energy.… Read more

A few years ago, I was working with a client who, on paper, had it all.

She was stunningly beautiful, razor-sharp intelligent, and deeply successful in her work. And yet, session after session, one theme kept returning.

“𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼 𝗜 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗺𝗲𝗻?”

She noticed a painful pattern. The men she met were initially kind, attentive, charming. But once she became emotionally and physically intimate, something shifted. The respect eroded. Control crept in. Sometimes abuse followed.

It took her years to leave a bad relationship — only to find herself, heartbreakingly, in another one that looked eerily similar.… Read more

Kartik is a PhD scholar—a brown Indian man from caste marginalized background —who participates in an international ACG group that is largely white. He is thoughtful, engaged, and politically awake. And yet, a pattern has been showing up around him.

Whenever someone in the group cries, Kartik withdraws. He looks restless, bored, sometimes agitated. When invited in, he names it directly: he doesn’t relate to tears. For him, 𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗲. The world is on fire, he says—we need systemic change. Sitting and crying, over personal issues is luxury that he can’t connect with.

The group doesn’t take this well.… Read more

For years, she tried to win her mother-in-law’s approval.

Cooking the right dishes.
Saying the right things.
Being available. Agreeable. Impeccable.

The more she did, the more subtle rejection she felt.
A comment here. A comparison there. Silence where she longed for warmth.

And yet — she tried harder.

What she couldn’t see:

Her relationship with her mother-in-law wasn’t really about her. It was actially a wonded part from the past seeking healing in a convoluted way.

She had grown up estranged from her own mother.
Her mother valued excellence. She responded with defiance.
She refused to comply, refused to soften, refused to “be enough.”… Read more

Last week there was an empty chair in my Monday group. No rupture. No dramatic goodbye. Just vacancy. Within minutes the conversation curved toward X (the person who had left) — her defensiveness, her rigidity, how difficult it had been to work with her. The room felt lighter, aligned and relieved.

I let it breathe for a while. Then I said, “I am going to interrupt this blame party. I wonder if critiquing X is serving as the group’s bonding ritual.”

A few heads lifted.
“If she were sitting in that chair, would we be speaking like this?

One member leaned back and said, “But we’re just being honest.… Read more

Thoughtful. Self-aware. Easy to work with.

I was brought in to work with his leadership team on a very specific dilemma:

They had to decide whether to shut down one of their oldest product lines.
The numbers were clear. The decline had been steady. This wasn’t new information.

And yet, for three months, no decision.

They would have this series of meetings. Everybody would share their perspective. The leader would invite, acknowledge and appreciate every voice.

On the surface, nothing was wrong.

And still, they kept leaving without a call.

In the first couple of sessions, I noticed something I couldn’t ignore.… Read more