“𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗲𝗿.”

That’s what the headteacher said about her deputy. “She’s overwhelmed all the time — I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her.”

I was coaching that deputy.

She arrived at our session in tears. Her mother was in the hospital. She was juggling work, caregiving, and still recovering from her own surgery. She said, “I feel like I’m holding everything together — and no one even notices.”

I listened. But this wasn’t new.

Session after session, she came in carrying fresh distress — and a story that she was invisible, unappreciated, excluded.

I paused and said, gently but clearly:
“You’re doing a lot. I see that. But I’m curious — is it possible that suffering is the only state in which you allow yourself to be seen?”

She blinked, startled. “What do you mean?”

I continued: “Across our sessions, I hear exhaustion — but not desire. I hear what’s happening to you, but not what you want.
Is it possible that struggle has become your safest identity?
That ease, support, or being seen… actually feels unsafe and threatening?”

She went quiet.
Then, after a long pause: “You know… My mother always talked about how much she suffered. My father left us. She was bitter, but also admired for her pain. I think I learnt that too — that you have to hurt to matter.”

I said, “And now, you’re reenacting it at work.
You’ve told me you’re convinced the school is scheming to push you out. But you haven’t spoken to your headteacher.
You’re surrounded by fear and suspicion — but you haven’t tried to get clarity.
You cry openly about what’s happening at home but when it comes to what’s happening here — in the relationship that matters — you stay silent.”

That landed.

We didn’t rush to fix. We stayed with the fear that said: If I’m not suffering, I disappear.

If you’re a leader, coach or colleague supporting someone who’s stuck in a victim loop — here’s what I’ve learnt:
🔹 Track where the emotion is directed – Are they bringing their feelings into places where intimacy is possible — or where they’re safe from being challenged?
🔹 Mirror the pattern, not the pathology – Say what you see with warmth and clarity
🔹 Interrupt with care, not control. Ask: “What would it feel like to be seen without a crisis?” Help them build capacity for connection in moments of calm.
🔹 Distinguish between emotional flooding and emotional contact. Tears are not always intimacy. Sometimes they’re a way to stay safe.

When someone has only known love through suffering, well-being can feel unsafe. Recognition can feel shameful. Support can go unseen.

So Don’t enable the story but Don’t reject the person.
𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘂𝗽𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗽 — 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆. That’s the work.

If you want to learn how to confront with compassion and name the pattern without shaming the person, you might want to explore Authentic Communication Groups. We practise it, together.