𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗞𝗲𝗲𝗽𝘀 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗛𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗱

A client recently told me:
“When it’s bad, I swear I’ll leave. But then he does something really small – brings me tea, laughs with me, touches my hand – and suddenly the storm disappears. I feel alive again. How do I walk away from that?”

From the outside, people ask: “Why don’t you just leave?”
But anyone who has lived it knows: it’s not that simple.
Because when it’s good, 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 — and that’s what keeps you bound.

Psychodynamically, this is 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 — the same cycle that keeps gamblers at slot machines. You endure the lows because you’re waiting for the jackpot of affection, the fleeting intimacy that feels like oxygen.

And deeper still lies the 𝗲𝗰𝗵𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲. Many of us grew up with inconsistent bonds: a parent who sometimes showed up with warmth, sometimes withdrew. A caregiver who loved one moment and turned cold the next. The psyche makes a silent vow: If I wait long enough, if I prove myself, the love will stay.

So when we meet partners (or even bosses, friends) who repeat that pattern, the old loyalty gets activated. We’re not just staying for them — 𝘄𝗲’𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘂𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.

And boundaries? They’re never neutral. Drawing a line may mean losing intimacy, stability, belonging, even livelihood. That’s why people don’t simply walk away. The good doesn’t erase the harm — but it makes the harm survivable. And that is what makes it so dangerous.

What helps when you’re caught in this loop?

𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. Ask: “Whose love am I still bargaining for through this person?”
𝗦𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆. The longing is valid, but don’t confuse it with how you’re being treated.
𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼. Write down how often it’s good vs. not — memory romanticizes, paper doesn’t.
𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁. What parts of you are silenced just to feel the sweetness?
𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱. Therapy, groups, friendships — spaces where love isn’t bait, but consistency.

The good moments aren’t fake. They’re real. And that’s what makes the cycle seductive. But they’re not the whole story.

𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗶𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗴𝗮𝗺𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴.
𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘁.

What do you notice keeps you hooked when the good moments come?

At Authentic Communication Group, we create spaces where these binds can be named, explored, and released. Where old repetitions lose their grip, and new patterns of trust, dignity, and intimacy can be practiced in real time.
Learn more at https://lnkd.in/g26xeEVW