In coaching parlance, we have a phrase, “coach the client and not the problem.” This means that the client’s problem shouldn’t be the center of gravity in coaching, the client should be. Problems are finite, often relatively limited in scope and duration. Clients, however, are infinite sources of wisdom, depth and knowing. Life itself is at the center of the client.

As a new coach and trained attorney, I wanted very much to help clients resolve their issues. Who doesn’t at heart want to help people, to give them a sense of relief? This desire, unbeknownst to me, had me coaching problems, not clients.… Read more

A father wanted support to connect with his teenage daughter who repeatedly accused him of being rude to her. He was in pain, having a hard time remembering his love for her—all he saw was her hostile face and her demanding attitude.

He didn’t have easy access to his feelings so I asked what his heart looked like, if viewed from the outside. “It’s all tied in barbed wire,” he said. I stayed silent while something worked in him. “Well actually it is there to protect, but it hurts me as well.”

I asked, “What makes protection so important?”

“This heart is very, very fragile,” he said and at that moment, tears came to his eyes.… Read more

One aspect of calling out our clients’ power is bringing awareness to their disempowering language. This language is often habitual and unconscious. Bringing it to the light offers opportunities for clients to see it clearly and choose to change it—moving them to a place of greater personal power.

How do we support our clients to find some comfortable ground and own their language? The beauty of coaching is that we can ask empowering questions that support awareness without making our clients wrong. Over time, they catch themselves and shift their language on their own without prompting from the coach.

REFRAMING DISEMPOWERING LANGUAGE

Disempowering Language	Examples from the Client	Empowering Questions from the Coach
No Choice	I have to, must, can’t…	What if you knew you had a choice?

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Opinions and observations can easily become entangled, resulting in thoughts based on interpretation and understanding instead of pure facts. When we separate observations from opinions, we distinguish between what actually happened and our opinion of what happened.

Example of an observation: We did not get the grant.

Example of an opinion: I really screwed up the grant proposal.

To help clients separate their opinions from what actually happened, we can ask them for the observations. What did you see or hear that led you to this viewpoint? Sometimes they hold a belief based on something that happened in early childhood and sometimes the belief emerges from whatever occurred just before the session.… Read more

Self-compassion means we approach our feelings and needs in a new way, including those we want to get over and those we seek to avoid. As we recognize that what is inside of us is not the enemy, we enter the space of unconditional acceptance, which then permits integration of all our parts into the whole. This softens us and generates an authentic vulnerability that connects us deeper inside ourselves as well as in the outside world.

Our feelings serve as a barometer to our inner world. When we embrace the full range of our emotions as a coach, we can expand our capacity for self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-management.… Read more

The same process we use to transform self-judgment can be used to transform judgment of others, except we ask clients to look at what was actually done or said that didn’t meet their needs. Instead of projecting judgments on others, our clients can learn to own their judgment and their needs.

The steps for transforming judgment of others include:

Identify the judgment: The judgment could be a story, a label, a thought or a belief. It could be something your client thinks is absolutely true about that person. What judgment do you have of the other person?

Clarify the observation: What did the person actually do that led to this judgment?… Read more

Our inner critic is the part of us that generates self judgment. Marshall Rosenberg developed a process of transforming that judgment into awareness of feelings and needs, as behind judgment are unmet needs and pure energy that is waiting to be understood and tapped. We can help clients release that source of energy.

When we support full connection to their needs, we help clients move toward self acceptance, understanding and awareness. Through deep awareness of needs, they come into alignment. Only after that, do we support them in creating strategies to meet their needs. Some common self judgments and underlying needs follow.… Read more

At the heart of each of us, whatever our imperfections, there exists a silent pulse of rhythm, a complex of wave forms and resonances, which is absolutely individual and unique, and yet which connects us to everything in the universe. —George Leonard

Our values are our deeply-held desires that guide us in creating a fulfilling life. When we honor our values, our hearts sing. When values are confused with judgment, including ethical or moral judgment, thoughts of right/wrong or good/bad—we lose our ability to connect with our common humanity. That also reduces our capacity to contribute to making the world a better place.… Read more

A practice that deepens awareness is transforming distress into light, a way to harness the energy of distress in life-serving ways. This process is adapted from the work of many practitioners, including: Marshall Rosenberg, Susan Skye, Robert Gonzales and Meganwind Eoyang.

The transformation of internal distress into light is the psychological alchemy of turning base metal into gold. Holding the light of awareness intently on an internal emotional state alters the frequency of the energy and completely transforms the initial emotion. As we mourn, we touch the sadness of the unmet need, but if we stay with it, we touch the beauty of the need as it lives in us.… Read more

The following are some ways to explore values:

Create a blueprint for making decisions. Ask, “If you say yes to this project, which of your values will you honor? Which will you ignore?” “How does saying yes honor more values?” “How might honoring your values by engaging in this project impact your life?”

Remind them what is important. Their values list can serve as a powerful reminder to pull them back to their center. Connecting with the value as a felt sense or associating a value with a metaphor activates the right or creative side of the brain. Remembering the value impacts their body, emotions and soul, as well as their thoughts.… Read more