𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗲?

During a process group I was facilitating, a participant — let’s call her Lata — had been increasingly frustrated with another member, Dev.

One day when the group was enquiring about Dev’s silence she finally said: “Dev, I am quite frustrated with you and your silence. When you just said that you keep quiet because you don’t see any meaning in engaging – I experienced your tone as pejorative and dismissive of what others are feeling”.

Dev went still. Then, in a soft, barely audible voice, he said: “I am noticing that my heart is beating really fast right now.”

After a few moments of silence, I enquired: “Dev, would you be willing to share what happens to you when Lata speaks.”

Dev replied with some hesitation, “When intense emotions come up, especially from women, I get overwhelmed. My mind just starts disassociating.”

After a pause, he continued, “When I was young and my mother would get upset, there was nothing I could do to assuage her. Anything I said or did only provoked her further. My only option was to disappear inside. It is not that I am being dismissive of you or the group Lata, my nervous system just starts shutting down when it senses tension. I just don’t know how to be present to someone when they are upset. – I am sorry if I hurt you”

That moment shifted the group. It reminded all of us that:

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗯𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗮𝗹.

As a psychotherapist, here’s what I keep learning in moments like these:

✔𝗣𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝘀𝘁. 𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗹𝗼𝘄: Our brains are meaning-making machines. But the first draft is rarely the full story.
✔𝗥𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: When we’re dysregulated, we read cues as threats. Curiosity returns only when safety is restored.
✔𝗕𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗰𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲: What seems like arrogance, detachment, or defiance often masks fear, shame, or a deep need to protect.
✔𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗲𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗿𝘂𝗽𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲: Not to fix, but to witness. Not to smooth over, but to see what lives underneath the discomfort.
✔“𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗲?” 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝘀𝗮𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: It invites humility, wonder, and a willingness to see again.

As Marcus Aurelius said, “𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝘁. 𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵”.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆?”.