For years, she tried to win her mother-in-lawโs approval.
Cooking the right dishes.
Saying the right things.
Being available. Agreeable. Impeccable.
The more she did, the more subtle rejection she felt.
A comment here. A comparison there. Silence where she longed for warmth.
And yet โ she tried harder.
What she couldnโt see:
Her relationship with her mother-in-law wasnโt really about her. It was actially a wonded part from the past seeking healing in a convoluted way.
She had grown up estranged from her own mother.
Her mother valued excellence. She responded with defiance.
She refused to comply, refused to soften, refused to โbe enough.โ
So a fantasy formed:
โ๐๐ณ ๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ ๐ฑ๐ฎ๐๐ด๐ต๐๐ฒ๐ฟ-๐ถ๐ป-๐น๐ฎ๐โฆ ๐ ๐๐ถ๐น๐น ๐ณ๐ถ๐ป๐ฎ๐น๐น๐ ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ผ๐ผ๐ฑ.โ
But what unfolded?
With her mother โ she opposed.
With her mother-in-law โ she over-adapted.
Different roles. Same script.
Through ๐ง๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐๐ป๐ฎ๐น๐๐๐ถ๐, she saw the pattern.
She had never really been in relationship with either woman.
With one, she rebelled.
With the other, she pleased.
Both responses were predictable.
Both kept the dance alive.
In TA, we call this ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฝ๐น๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ ๐๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป โ interactions that continue smoothly, even when they hurt.
Nothing changes because both people stay in familiar roles.
When she began to respond differently โ not from rebellion, not from pleasing, not from the need to prove โ something shifted.
She paused.
She stopped over-explaining.
She didnโt rush to earn approval.
She didnโt withdraw in protest.
There was confusion. Discomfort. Resistance.
Because the old dance was interrupted.
In TA, this is called ๐ฐ๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฎ ๐๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป โ changing the pattern so the old script cannot continue.
And that is where freedom begins.
For the first time, she wasnโt compensating or resisting.
She was relating as an adult woman.
We cannot keep engaging in the same patterns and expect different outcomes.
Sometimes, one different response is enough to interrupt a script written decades ago.
This is what my upcoming TA 101 โ Introduction to Transactional Analysis offers.
You will learn to:
โข Recognise the patterns you fall into under stress
โข Understand repetitive relational dynamics
โข See the invisible dance in real time
โข Create choice instead of automatic reaction
๐๐ณ ๐๐ผ๐โ๐๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ,
โ๐ช๐ต๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฝ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ป๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ถ๐ป ๐บ๐ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐น๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต๐ถ๐ฝ๐?โ
๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐๐ถ๐น๐น ๐ด๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฝ.
Because awareness creates choice.
And choice changes patterns.
