𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗸 𝗪𝗮𝘀 𝗧𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗠𝘆 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗪𝗮𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗢𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴

I’ve always been a relationship-oriented person.
For years, I poured myself into holding people together — resolving conflicts, explaining myself, bending backwards so no one felt left out.

It worked. People liked me.
But behind the goodwill, I often felt exhausted. Resentful of the emotional labor.

One friendship stands out.
Every rupture, the same cycle:
• I’d chase.
• We’d talk for hours.
• I’d clarify, explain, try to understand.
• We’d hug at the end.

But looking at my watch, I felt troubled by how much time it took just to return to baseline. By the end, 𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿.

Then came my 40s — and with them, a hysterectomy.
Something shifted. Maybe my brain got fed up, or maybe it was my depleting estrogen — but the people-pleaser in me was put to bed.

I still see myself as relationship-oriented. That hasn’t changed.
But I don’t rush to fix misunderstandings.
I don’t explain endlessly.
I don’t panic if people distance themselves based on their own narratives.

Here my Nonviolent Communication (NVC) training gave me clarity: the difference between engagement and connection.

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗮𝗹. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗮𝗹: Engagement is doing — hours of talk, clarifications, back-and-forths. Connection is being — an open heart, a felt sense of presence.

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗼𝗹𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲: Engagement wants tidy agreements. Connection can hold differences with compassion.

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗲𝘀. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝘁𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀: Engagement asks, “How do we fix this?” Connection asks, “Why does this matter?”

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘀: I can engage for hours and leave depleted. I can connect in silence and leave nourished.

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗸𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗮𝗹. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗼𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗶𝘁𝘆: Engagement bends me into pleasing. Connection keeps me aligned with myself while open to another.

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱. 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁: Engagement is analytical, trying to convince. Connection is embodied, a felt recognition of one another.

In my 40s, I’ve stopped confusing the two.
Not every misunderstanding deserves hours of engagement.
Not every conflict requires resolution.
What I value now is connection — with myself first, then with others.

At Authentic Communication Group (ACG), this is our work: moving from exhausting engagement into the nourishment of connection.

If this speaks to you, I’d love for you to join us. Let’s stop pouring ourselves into strategies — and start living from needs consciousness and true connection.