𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, 𝐁𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐑𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐦

Conflict visited our group this week.

A brown participant spoke first:
“I feel like a broken record,” she said. “English is the only language I can speak in. I’ve lost the cultural richness that shaped me.”

Moments later, a white woman began to cry.
“I also feel like a broken record,” she said. “The world feels so polarised. I don’t know what it means to be a good white person anymore.” The group instinctively moved to comfort her.

The brown woman’s expression hardened:
“See? White tears always get empathy. Our rage never does. I am f****ng angry with the group right now”. This time, the group stayed. They didn’t correct her. They held her — her grief, her fury, her truth.

One person remained quiet: a white man.

When invited to speak, he said softly,
“It’s not my place. Who would want to hear from a white man right now? I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it’s painful to see what people go through. And at the same time I am really sad, I’ve become so hypervigilant — afraid to speak, afraid to get it wrong. I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t”

The group gave empathy.

I asked gently, “Your hypervigilance makes sense. You want to be seen as a good man, and you don’t want to cause harm. But can I draw your attention to the systemic relational field you’re standing in?”

“For generations, people of colour have lived in that same hypervigilance — not to appear good, but simply to survive and to not provoke wrath or exclusion. Your hypervigilence is a little taste of what it has meant to be Bipoc in this world”

The group grew very still. He broke down — not from guilt, but from recognition. That moment wasn’t about blame; it was about contact with truth.

𝐇𝐲𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝.
𝐇𝐲𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞.
One guards reputation
The other guards existence
Recognising this difference is where systemic change begins

For the “Haves” of the world, here are some tips for how to stay in fire:
1. 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐱 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭. When discomfort rises, don’t rush to soothe or disappear. Stay present.
2. 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲. Ask: What is this moment showing me about how power lives through me?
3. 𝐑𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠. Empathy isn’t a mirror for your pain — it’s a bridge to someone else’s.
4. 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐭. You didn’t build the system alone, but you are responsible for how you participate in it.
5. 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐯𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞. Move from performing goodness to practising awareness.
6. 𝐋𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞. Not by agreement, but by staying in relationship when it burns.