𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗟𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱

When Nikhil was 16, his mom walked in on him sitting close to his girlfriend.

She didn’t react in the moment—but later that night, she knocked on his door and said:

“𝗜 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗽𝗶𝗱. 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗼𝘆. 𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆.”

It wasn’t a fight. But something shifted.

Nikhil began backing away—from his girlfriend, from his desire, from himself.

Years later, in therapy, he told,

“𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗜 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲, 𝗜 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲. 𝗟𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗜’𝗺 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝘆 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴.”

That’s what Fanita English referred to as the 𝗵𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗼.

It’s when a parent experiences something they can’t handle—shame, fear, confusion—and they unconsciously pass it on to their child.

They don’t say “this feeling is mine.”
They tell it, in words, silence, or a look: “You hold it.”

And the child does. Because that’s what children do to remain connected.

The parent may be responding to their own unfinished experiences—but instead of working it through, they pass it along. And the child takes it as a personal defect, a secret danger within themselves.

𝗛𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘂𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗳:

Sexuality – “Your desire makes you unsafe or unlovable”
Success – “Don’t outgrow your roots or make us look small”
Grief – “Don’t show sadness. We’ve moved on”
Anger – “Stop feeling too much. Stay in control”
Intimacy – People who love you will hurt you—so stay guarded.”
Money – “Wanting more means you’re greedy”
Gender – “Don’t act like that. It’s not how a real boy/girl should be”

What do we do with something we never asked to carry?

𝗔𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁, 𝗜 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝘀𝗸:

What parts of you learned to monitor your desire?
When did intimacy start to feel dangerous?
Whose fear are you still following?
What would it be like to want without shame?

𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝘃𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿:

Curiosity is not carelessness.
You can Desire and still have boundaries.
You can want and still be deserving.
Taking care of your family doesn’t have to mean giving up on yourself.
You get to claim what’s yours—and what was passed to you in fear.

𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗼 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵.
𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁.

-Written By Anisha Pandya