For many years, I believed I had discovered the ideal friendship.
We never argued. We completed each other’s sentences. We attended each other’s parties, offered guidance, laughed late in the evening.
𝗜𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘆 — 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗱𝘂𝗮𝗹𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗮𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁.
However, life, as it has a knack of doing, demanded more from me than I was capable of providing. I made a decision that dismayed them. It wasn’t betrayal, it was my unprocessed wounds playing me up. It was a choice rooted in a ‘good’ intention that didn’t have the desired impact.
And for the first time, illusion broke: 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲.
It hurt – both of us.
But it also did something to me that I continue to carry even now:
𝗪𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲. Not because we’re careless or callous, but because it’s impossible to always live up to the version of us others hope for.
If nobody is ever disappointed in you — if every relationship is “perfect” — it’s worth considering: Are they aligned with who you actually are? Or are they stuck on the image of you that is convenient to them?
Over the years, I have come to realise one thing: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗶𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗶𝘀.
As a therapist, I witness this reality time and time again: Relationships aren’t constructed by how good things feel in smooth times. They’re constructed by how courageously we navigate through the tough ones.
𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗲𝘀:
𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁; 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁: Will we turn towards each other with curiosity, or away from each other in judgment?
𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗱; 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁: Hold on to the conversation even when it’s complicated.
𝗥𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: What we fix together is stronger than what was never tested.
Healthy relationships are not conflict-free; they are conflict-resilient. 𝗧𝗿𝘂𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗻𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗮𝗻 — 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁, 𝗲𝘃𝗼𝗹𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗲𝗻𝘁.
What is one relationship in your life that became stronger because you went through tough truths together?
