𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗕𝗼𝘆𝘀 𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗗𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 — 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗡𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗙𝗮𝗶𝘁𝗵

A few months ago, my 15-year-old walked up to me and said,
“𝗠𝗼𝗺, 𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄 𝘂𝗽 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗺𝗮𝗻.”

The therapist in me was hypervigilant.
“Well, you don’t have to grow up to be a man, darling — you can grow up to be whatever gender you like.”

He snapped. “What nonsense are you talking, Mom? I’m born a boy, so I have to grow up to be a man.”

I cleared my throat. “You’re born a boy — that’s your physical sex. But your gender, you can choose — that’s a social construct”

Now he was irritated. “Mom, I’m born a boy — why would I choose to be somebody else?”

“You may be born as a boy, and yet its ok to identify with another gender.”

“Mom, I’m born a boy, I identify as a boy… and yet, I don’t like the fact that I have to grow up to be a man.”

My husband rolled his eyes, clearly thinking I was barking up the wrong tree.

I tried again. “Okay, son… I hear that you identify with being a boy, and yet there’s something about becoming a man that you don’t like. Can you help me understand?”

“Mom, look at the facts. All the bad things in the world — corruption, wars, murders, sexual assaults— all are done by men. Men just seem to be bad. So maybe I’m also bad.”

Ouch. “It’s like you feel shame about your gender?”

Yes, Mom. I don’t feel good about being my gender. Everywhere I look, people talk about feminism and how men cause harm. I don’t know who to grow up to be or how to be a good man. And the men I do identify with seem entitled and domineering.”

My husband cleared his throat again. My son laughed:
“Dad, don’t get me wrong — you’re a nice man. But you’re so different from me. You’re introvertish and passive. I’m extrovertish and active. I think only introvertish, passive men have a chance at being good men. If I want to be one, I’ll have to give up who I really am.”

That day, I realised: Our boys are listening.
They are noticing.
And some are quietly wondering if being male automatically makes them broken.

If all they hear is what’s wrong with men, they’ll shrink themselves… or find role models in the wrong places.

Here’s how we can give them our faith:
1. Believe in their goodness out loud. Tell them, “I trust you to do the right thing,” and watch them rise to it.
2. Separate behaviour from the boy. Correct the action without labelling them as bad — so they know they can make mistakes without losing your belief.
3. Show them admirable men. Surround them with examples who are strong and kind, ambitious and ethical.
4. Catch them doing good. Name the moments they show empathy, courage, or fairness.
5. Ask who they want to be. Keep the focus on their values, not just society’s warnings.

Our boys don’t just need to be told what not to be.
They need us to believe in who they can be.

Because when a boy feels someone sees the best in him — and refuses to let go of that vision — he finds the strength to believe in himself.