𝗖𝗼-𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽𝘀

One of my ACG group session began with Maya saying she felt confused about how to engage with men in the group.

She said, “𝗜 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸. 𝗠𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝘀𝗻’𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹… 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗼𝗯𝘀𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗹𝗲𝘀𝗯𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗹𝘂𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱.”

As she spoke, her voice softened → tears surfaced → something raw appeared… and then suddenly she swung into long explanations, tangents, and over-analysis.
Vulnerability → explanation → control. A familiar arc.
I named it gently:
“Notice how you touch something tender, and then your system rushes away by over-explanation and going on tangents. I wonder if this is your way of self-regulation”

This is exactly what Winnicott described.
𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗱𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘀 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 (𝗪𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗼𝘁𝘁)
We don’t learn to regulate alone. First, someone regulates us.
• A steady other holds our feelings.
• We “borrow” their nervous system.
• Their calm becomes our temporary anchor.
• Over time, we internalise that steadiness.
• This becomes self-regulation.

People who receive good-enough parenting eventually soothe themselves because someone once soothed them.
When that early holding is inconsistent, adults often regulate through cognition: tangents, over-explaining, humour, caretaking, analysis.

This is what I saw in Maya. The moment she became raw, her psyche reached for the strategy that once kept her safe.

What happened to the group
Exactly like in childhood, the room split:
• Some leaned in to soothe
• Some shifted to coaching/interpretation
• Some became confused
• One grew agitated
• Another said, “I don’t know what to do with this.”

This is what happens when the “infant’s cry” — the adult’s emotional overwhelm — enters the room.
A crying baby activates the entire nervous system around it.
Groups do the same: soothing, advising, distancing, speeding up, freezing.

Winnicott called this the 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿’𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗹-𝗮𝗻𝗱-𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 — not perfect, but persistent.
𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗿𝗻 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗰𝗼-𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻
You cannot self-regulate what was never first co-regulated.
Co-regulation in groups looks like:
✔ Holding steady when someone is overwhelmed
✔ Naming what’s happening without fixing it
✔ Staying in contact even when unsure
✔ Letting someone borrow your calm
✔ Not disappearing, not over-engaging
✔ Allowing frustration, confusion, or boredom to be spoken

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗮 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗮 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱-𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 — 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆.
And that steadiness becomes the soil where real transformation happens.